The movie starts with Ron Pearlman ripping a bloody “stretch armstrong doll” from the womb of his wife. I have seen Play-doh(™) figures that looked more realistic than that baby.
So he cuts and rips the babe Conan from her womb and the only thing he can conjure up to ask her is, “What do you want to name your son?” Not, HOLY FUCK I just chopped you open and yanked a kid out, didn’t that hurt?”
Rose McGowan…as the eyebrow less Necromonger/Klingon…Jerry Mathers as the Beaver…
They had multiple legitimate opportunities to show us Ms. McGowan’s b(o)(o)bies…and they failed…
Script written by Randy Jackson of American Idol fame, “Cmon dawg” and “Oh no U di’ent”
Token black side-kick, ala, The Beast Master, The Last Legion, and The Little Rascals…
Token Arab side-kick ala (or Allah), The Scorpion King, The Mummy, and Jonny Quest
Who in the hell cast the Mennonitedoilymakinbonnetwearing woman to be Conan’s muse?
“I live, I love, I slay, I am content…” wtmf!!?!?!? It should have been “I live, I’m not sure why, I whisper into Lisa Bonet’s dusty old nether regions…I’m batshit crazy”
Conan…so essentially the guy can ride up, fart and vanquish entire armies, yet he can’t seen to kick the ass of a crusty old bastard wearing a squid helmet.
Speaking of the squid helmet…didn’t we learn from LotR’s that if you have pieces of jewelry that can control the world that you don’t fuck about and hide them here and there. You destroy that shit like Tori Spelling’s career.
Continuing with the squid theme…yeah giant squid in the sewers…no giant snake, no big ass gem, just a huge octosquidpuss.
Did I mention they failed to show us Rose McGowan’s b(o)(o)bies???
I really like Ron Pearlman…but not as Conan’s metal drinking father. Will Ferrell could have done a better job….
Who decided we needed the litany of geographical subtitles??? Like they would elicit “Oh yeah…hell I wouldn’t have recognized that fictional place had those words not been there”
This movie should have been directed by…fuck who cares anyone would have done a better job. A fucking chimp sitting in the director’s chair licking peanut butter off his nuts could have produced a higher quality product.
This movie was so overly produced it was like eating cotton candy from the bottom of a root beer float while listening to White Lion’s “When the Children Cry”…
Ummm the Riddle of Steel? By Crom balls what the fuck has happened?
Distinct absence of The Tree of Woe…
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