Conan the Barbarian 2011…a humble review

The movie starts with Ron Pearlman ripping a bloody “stretch armstrong doll” from the womb of his wife.  I have seen Play-doh(™) figures that looked more realistic than that baby.

So he cuts and rips the babe Conan from her womb and the only thing he can conjure up to ask her is, “What do you want to name your son?”  Not, HOLY FUCK I just chopped you open and yanked a kid out, didn’t that hurt?”

Rose McGowan…as the eyebrow less Necromonger/Klingon…Jerry Mathers as the Beaver…

They had multiple legitimate opportunities to show us Ms. McGowan’s b(o)(o)bies…and they failed…

Script written by Randy Jackson of American Idol fame, “Cmon dawg” and “Oh no U di’ent”

Token black side-kick, ala, The Beast Master, The Last Legion, and The Little Rascals…

Token Arab side-kick ala (or Allah), The Scorpion King, The Mummy, and Jonny Quest

Who in the hell cast the Mennonitedoilymakinbonnetwearing woman to be Conan’s muse?

“I live, I love, I slay, I am content…” wtmf!!?!?!?  It should have been “I live, I’m not sure why, I whisper into Lisa Bonet’s dusty old nether regions…I’m batshit crazy”

Conan…so essentially the guy can ride up, fart and vanquish entire armies, yet he can’t seen to kick the ass of a crusty old bastard wearing a squid helmet.

Speaking of the squid helmet…didn’t we learn from LotR’s that if you have pieces of jewelry that can control the world that you don’t fuck about and hide them here and there.  You destroy that shit like Tori Spelling’s career.

Continuing with the squid theme…yeah giant squid in the sewers…no giant snake, no big ass gem, just a huge octosquidpuss.

Did I mention they failed to show us Rose McGowan’s b(o)(o)bies???

I really like Ron Pearlman…but not as Conan’s metal drinking father.  Will Ferrell could have done a better job….

Who decided we needed the litany of geographical subtitles???  Like they would elicit “Oh yeah…hell I wouldn’t have recognized that fictional place had those words not been there”

This movie should have been directed by…fuck who cares anyone would have done a better job.  A fucking chimp sitting in the director’s chair licking peanut butter off his nuts could have produced a higher quality product.

This movie was so overly produced it was like eating cotton candy from the bottom of a root beer float while listening to White Lion’s “When the Children Cry”…

Ummm the Riddle of Steel?  By Crom balls what the fuck has happened?

Distinct absence of The Tree of Woe…

Lameover…the movie

If you have ever been drinking with Ian Wolfe or Ian Ottaway, the movie “The Hangover” is not shocking, funny, or mildly entertaining…

Carrie is right about Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt: So you’re gonna tell me that you don’t have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don’t.
Joe Dirt: You’re gonna stand there, ownin’ a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistlin’ bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don’ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin’ kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No… because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it’s not what you like, it’s the consumer.