Category: People

My Drive

Bumper-Sticker-Nasheville-TN-Using-Rights
I see you
Mr. Millennial
with your horned rim glasses and neckbeard
the wind whistling through the bike rack on your Subaru Outback
while you sing along to Mumford and Sons
I see you
Mrs. Millennial
with your cup of Starbucks and cellphone
texting away while your kids watch Netflix in the back seat
where did you get that stick figure family sticker?
I see you
Mr. Generation X
with your goatee and Ray Bans
the sun reflecting off your bald head and white teeth
are you late for golf or a cross burning?
I see you
Mrs. Generation X
with that desperate, unsatisfied look on your face
the shine of your right blinker, left on for the last 3 miles
the edge of your “I love Wine” sticker is peeling off
I see you
Mr. Baby Boomer
with your tan face, thin silver hair and sun spots
keeping death at bay with your window cracked while you smoke
I didn’t realize they made a Mercedes station wagon.
I see you
Ms. Baby Boomer
with a genuine look of confidence and control
checking your make up in the rear view mirror
thinking of him seems to only verify you are better off alone
– TLF 02/17/2016

It is about time…

Jim Morrison may win indecent exposure pardon 40 years on – CNN.com

WOOOOT Shit balls!

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Time Warner Cable…double bills anyone on autopay

On 9/3/2010, I was checking my bank account to monitor how close I was to $0.00, when I noticed a bill for $351.22 from Time Warner Cable.  After shitting in my pants about $351.22, I noticed a second item from Time Warner Cable processing for the same amount.  Subsequently, I had a heart attack with shit in my pants…

It seems that anyone who was signed up for Time Warner Cable “Autopay” was double-billed for the September 4th bill due date.

So I call TWC to voice my objection, not to the $351.22, but to the $702.44 being “processed” from my checking account.  I spoke with a super nice lady named April.  She seemed genuinely interested in helping me.  She mentioned the call she had right before mine had a similar issue.

I asked her when the second debt would be reversed, she stated she was not sure, but with the weekend coming up it might be next week.  Apparently computers cannot process anything on Saturday’s or the “biblical day of rest” (Sunday for you pagans).  This was compounded by the “labor day” celebration on Monday…yes the fucking irony is killing me as well…

Nonetheless, April and I agreed that I would check back with her on Wednesday (9/8/2010), as she was off on Tuesday.  I figured no worries, she deserves an extra day off like. She gave me her number and extension so I could call her back directly. She suggested we give it a few days to see if it would reverse itself.  She sent an email to the “people” in accounting and would wait for a response.

9-4-2010 – two transactions for $351.22…still processing, NO REVERSAL of PAYMENT

9-5-2010 – two transactions for $351.22…still processing, NO REVERSAL of PAYMENT

9-6-2010 – two transactions for $351.22…still processing, NO REVERSAL of PAYMENT

9-7-2010 – two transactions for $351.22 CLEARED and PAID to TIME WARNER CABLE, NO REVERSAL of PAYMENT

9-8-2010 – two transactions for $351.22 CLEARED and PAID to TIME WARNER CABLE, NO REVERSAL of PAYMENT

I called April on the 8th like agreed.  She explained that in fact it was an error on their end and the “people” in accounting were aware of the issue, but had issued a memo to the customer service reps to “not send anymore emails to accounting”.  I wish I were joking about that part…

I explained to April that I understood she had done what she could for me.  She was upset and apologized several times.  I asked her for the name of the Vice President of Customer Service and said person’s contact information.  She gave me the person’s name, but did not have the telephone number and would need to ask her supervisor for it.  She put me on hold…

FOR THE RECORD:  The VP of Customer Service name I was given is Vickie Miner.

I explained to April there was no need to put me on hold, just email me Vickie’s contact info.  April agreed she would.

This morning 9/9/2010, after not receiving an email from April, I called Time Warner Cable Customer Service number (816-358-8833).  Before I could speak with a “representative” one of those “call deflection” messages explained that TWC was aware of the issue and that those impacted should expect a credit to their bank accounts sometime within the next 3-10 days…

It appears the “people” in accounting will need that much time to pull their collective heads out of Vickie’s ass and push the button to send the funds back.  At the end of it, I TWC has $351.22 of my money.  They have no right to these funds and their lack of urgency in rectifying this situation speaks to their arrogance.

The saga is ongoing…

The State I Love to HATE

I hate that our trips to TX require us to drive through Jokelahoma as nothing good seems to come from traversing the red dirt filled hell.  Or so I thought…

We needed to refuel our OverlandPark cruiser with petrol and Ardmore, Fuklahoma seemed as good a place as any, given the fact that the fuel light had been on since Fort Worth…

So I pulled the ol’ soccer mom-mobile into a filling station right off I-whatchutalkinboutwillis35.  Jill and the kids wandered inside to visit the local pisser, while I fueled up the car/truck/whatever a Honda Pilot is.

While I was standing there, breathing air that didn’t smell like sweaty feet sprinkled in shit, I made my usual survey of the surrounding area.  A mere two pumps over from me was a 1/2 ton Chevy shit-hauler painted that ever-so unique color…primer gray.

Standing to the far side of this blessed vessel was, what had to be a local beauty queen, circa 1974.  She was busy putting a $1.62 worth of 87 octane in the aforementioned 1/2 ton Chevy shit-hauler.  She glanced over noticing me watching her.  This was a sure sign of trouble.

She smiled showing me her methamphetamine created smile.  The gray of the four teeth she possessed elegantly matched the grey of the aforementioned 1/2 ton Chevy shit-hauler.  I could tell she was engaging her feminine charms.  She quickly straightened her sleeveless Dale Redneck Sr. NASCAR t-shirt, lightly brushing the bottom edge to whisk away the Burger King Whopper remnants.

She then turned her body, still smiling at me with her primer colored teeth and what I can only assume where her gums.  I watched as the sun caught the top of her pock marked inner forearm.  My eyes moved slow and painfully up her arm to what was once her bicep, now a skinbag decorated with a tribalbarbedwire tattoo.  I am not sure, it could have been a tattoo of I-35 from San Antonio to Wichita, it was difficult to discern as the fumes from the gas running on the ground were clouding my eyes and mind.

I can only assume she deduced her “feminine charms” were not working on me as I had not yelled to her, “Hey whore, lift your shirt and show me those chewed on dog toys.  Play with their noses some, it really does it for me”.  One cannot make too many assumptions regarding situations like these.  However it was clear she was switching tactics.

It seemed since her beauty was not to seduce me, the siren then tried to bedazzle me with her intellect.  Still employing the omni-present gray fleshy smile she reached into her left back pocket and pulled out a package of some sort.  I distinctly remember it was her left back pocket as a leather wallet attached to a chain that was subsequently attached to a belt loop, occupied her right back pocket.  I have no idea what was in her front pockets, but I am sure it has to smell like catfish bait.

I digress….

Oh yes, the package from the left back pocket.  I could tell she wanted to impress me with her Poklahoma intellect, something beyond the rudimentary reedin’ an’ rightin’ an’ ritmatick she had attained.  Apparently she wanted to demonstrate her knowledge of chemistry, likely something she learned from her kin.  The package she retrieved from her left rear pocket was a package of Marlboro Lights.   I am unsure if the tobacco product in question was specifically 100’s or menthols as I am not a smoker.  Nonetheless with the grace of a crackhead holding a bag full of assholes, she packed the smokes on the palm of her hand and tossed one straight from the pack into her awaiting gums.

Then came the impressive part…while tapping out the last $.13 of the aforementioned $1.62, into her tank, she simultaneously and notably with her free claw, lit her cigarette.  Noticeably proud of the fact that she successfully lit the cigarette with one hand (not to mention not blowing me, herself and 2 others into the wal-mart parking lot across the street) she flashed me a “ohyeahigotitgoingontakemetothetribalcasino” look.  Pfft tribal casinos…don’t get me started on those red devils….again I digress.

By this time I am praying Jill will exit the store and the gas pumping banshee would be afeared and flee.  To my surprise it was not Jill exiting the store that hastened the crones retreat, but the crones “20-something” girl friend.  That is right my friend, that old 1/2 ton Chevy drivin’, skinbag tattoo havin’, Marlboro smokin’, gas pumpin’ reptile was a lesbian.  A lesbian with a SMOKIN’ HOT “20-something” girlfriend.   At this point my hypocrisy kicked in and I admit the whole scenario was hotter than a monkey’s ass on the savannah.

With all my love,

Tony